my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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