you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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