My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
