My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
