I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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