dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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