So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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