Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
