So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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