Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
...so i touched it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
