She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
