I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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