any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
