doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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