i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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