I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
