remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
