Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
