It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
