I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
