My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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