just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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