I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
