Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
