He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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