i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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