I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
