i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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