Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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