Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
