Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I am full of burrito and curiosity
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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