it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We had sex on a dog bed..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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