so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
