Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
