It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
