can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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