I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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