Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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