We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Porn is love you can see.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
