how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
