My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
