so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
