I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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