I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
