we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
being pregnant is like rehab
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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