i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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