i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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