if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
