On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
