Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
