having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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