Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
