She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
