im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
