I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
