the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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