Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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