so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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