I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
