the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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