I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
