Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
